Greetings and Salutations (said in my best Christian Slater voice which is horrible because I keep adding a British accent). My name is Caroline and I am on a journey to turn my frown upside down. For awhile now, I’ve been in a rut, a funk, a depression if you will. I had always longed to be a successful writer, but somehow lost my confidence and have been plugging away at a job that, although I am really good at, never seemed to be the right fit for me.
I’ve been the main bread winner for 6 years while the Hubster has remained home with our little girl, now 8. It has felt like so much responsibility and more difficult for me to come to terms with than it should. Why am I having such a hard time finding happiness all the while being successful enough to support a family of 3 in San Diego, one of the more expensive places to live in America? We live in one of the best neighborhoods, we can walk to the grocery, and we have our choice of wonderful award winning restaurants in walking distance as well. My husband is President of the PTA and has purpose in his life. So why am I so sad and lost????
I found part one of the answer to this question which is…drum roll please…. I can no longer stand my job. Well not the actual job, per se, but my employer. I’m spending too much time in my life at a place that brings a wave of misery to me every morning that I pull into the parking lot for my shift. Their is so much bad energy in the place that you can’t help but feel it. And I can’t help but blame myself, is my loathing contributing to the negative vibe? And is it like an infectious disease infiltrating my home life, with my daughter learning that job = sorrow? I have to figure out how to contain, and eliminate this pandemic.
I’ve received advice to, “Just give it until the end of the year” or “Let the new management turn things around and you will be rewarded for sticking around.” Well…two years later and the only thing I have to show is a fancy new title, anxiety attacks, temporary loss of sanity, and my commissions cut. Almost all the senior employees quit the company in a mass exodus last year due to, what they felt, was the companies ineptitude and other reasons. But this girl (two thumbs pointing at my chest) decided to stay on the ship. I guess it was for unselfish reasons that I stayed, which was that I wanted to help the company get back on their feet since they gave me a job for so long and helped me to take care of my family. Also, I was worried I wouldn’t find another comparable job. Then the light bulb lit up…duh! Everyone else who has left the company found other jobs!!! Why the heck can’t I too?? WHY NOT CAROLINE? Finally, and it’s been a long time coming, I’ve reached the conclusion that if I continue to stick around, I’m just punishing myself. I mean, I’m literally sickened by it, mostly mentally. It is time to look for new employment.
* Change is scary, but sometimes the scariest changes in life are the best changes for you. *
Currently, I am taking some time off of work to find myself, to remember how to enjoy life, how to push past my subconscious which is telling me I’m not good enough, and to do things to reach my goals. Starting with this new blog (my 3rd venture into blogging in the last 15 years). I’ve resolved to try meditating, yoga, writing, and other various means of therapy. And…. are you ready for this, in one week, I will be traveling overseas for the 1st time. Italy!!!!! Picture in your respective heads – Tuscan hills, vineyards as far as the eye can see, the Amalfi Coast, Roman ruins, and the statue of David (hubba hubba…I’m a class lady).
My next post will most likely be about this EPIC trip to Italy. So please come back, join me as I find myself and rearrange my life. Please do leave a comment on my posts with advice, inspirational quotes, etc. Perhaps we can help each other get out of our ruts and remember how to love this wonderful life we have been given.